so as i am re-tracing my (mis)steps of this last year, I am retraining myself to be a rocking and rolling, radical human.
it’s quite a transition to go from a caged up, pound puppy that is deathly scared of breakfast to the confident, fearless lion girl that lies inside. so I have been utilizing a lot of different sources for inspiration and methodology.
seriously guys, i have to retrain myself in every aspect of life. socially, spiritually, physically and emotionally. as i’m breaking free from the self-inflicted cage that mental illness is, i get to design a new identity. it’s scary, fantastic and thrilling. so far I have switched from listening to sad, depressing music to listening to techno and house. I have started surrounding myself with people that align with the person I want to become. I listen to self-help tapes like a maniac, found salvation in Neurolinguistic Programming and go around repeating positive affirmations like it ain’t no thing. Every time a disordered thought or action tries to sneak its way back into my reality (which happens often) I take a step back, recognize it and ask myself if this is something my perfect soul or damaged ego would think or do. Usually, if it is destructive, then it is the latter and I can begin to hug and smother is with love and light.
sometimes I am successful, sometimes I’m not.
the other day my brain seriously felt like it was burning. but i’m convinced it’s just from the rewiring of my neurological pathways from negative to positive. i’m sure smoke will be emitting from my ears pretty soon.
progress is being made though. i managed to get through the anxiety of getting ready, styling whats left of my hair and having a really lovely, mostly behavior and negative inner dialogue free evening with a really inspirational human.
oh! and the coolest technique I have discovered (and am rocking extremely hard right at this very moment) is to FAKE IT. Ok, that sounds weird since part of this journey has been rediscovering how to be myself and who “myself” even is. But seriously, when I get anxious or scared I just start pretending that I am the person I would want to be. The best characters I have discovered to slip into so far is the Air Force Pilot Woman (the aviators might be to blame for this one) and the Incredibly Fancy French Lady. I absolutely love this form of visualization because it’s impossible to not glow with confidence when I am these dream versions of myself. It’s also extremely fun to gaze out a window, with my baguette, cigarette and small hat. Just kidding I didn’t get a small hat or start smoking… yet.
It is also helping me get an idea of what the very best version of me looks and feels like.
I want to be that version of me today. And then an even better version tomorrow.
ciao mes amours.
p.s. note to self: if all else fails, just walk around with this always playing: