holy batman.

it’s been a long time since an update.
what beautiful, beautiful things blogs are.
they are like a one stop shop for tracking the progress of our own evolution. i wouldn’t have been able to recall the details of all those painful moments within the last year if it weren’t for being able to sit down in a single sitting and read them all over again.

this quote from a previous post hit home extremely hard:
“i want to be free. i want to have conversations with people and hear what they are saying. i want to do physical activity because it makes me feel good not because i think my body is a problem that needs solving. i want to get in touch with my emotions and stop shutting people out.”

i remember feeling like that girl. locked in a cage. looking for every way out (except the front door). i also remember the girl that posted on august 24th – with all of her hair on the bathroom floor and not a clue in the world as to what was happening and why.

something that lacks from a person suffering with addiction and anxiety (btw – eating disorders lie at the place where these two meet) is that they lose their ability for compassion and empathy. they become disconnected from the world and live only within the painful prison of their mind.

when i sit here today – one year later – i can feel more pain and compassion for my younger, sicker self than i could have ever felt at that moment in time. when i was really living in the painful hell of bulimia – i wouldn’t have been able to cry for someone else. there was me and ed. and that was it.

god has come into my life and set me free. i have absolute faith in that. too many miraculous moments of healing to count or explain. the fact that i am sitting here today, with the state of my current life is an absolute blessing. the fact that i CAN hear when people are talking. the fact that i do move because it feels good. i LOVE my new life and coming home to myself daily is what makes it all worth it. by coming home to myself it means remembering things i like: magenta, the forest, tea, brisk air, baking, FRIENDS, time alone, my puppy, jokes about raccoons. all of the beautiful things life has to offer.

the process of healing – which is still currently taking place and probably always will be – is one of many steps. steps even sound too linear to properly symbolize what recovery feels like.

recovery for me feels like … random moments in time of utter freedom.
– looking into the mirror naked and feeling curvy and womanly rather then disgusted by excess body fat.
– walking down the street with neo, breathing fresh air, looking at the leaves, feeling present and alive.
– skipping a work out to have wine and dinner with a friend
– having a autumn morning pumpkin spice latte – sans guilt.

these seem like small wins. they may even seem unhealthy. but for me they are utter breakthroughs that help me get closer and closer to the people in my life and to knowing the nature of my soul’s desires.

we all have the areas in our life where we are looking for constant external approval. we also have aspects of our character that we condemn or judge. but in reality every single molecule in your body is exactly the way it is supposed to be. everything you love or desire is meant for you.

the farther we can get from the concept of fixing ourselves – the more we lean into gratitude and acceptance and become who we truly are.

you can’t hear your hearts desires if there is too much noise.

peel back the onion.
let go of who you think you should be.
and be gentle and loving to yourself in the process.

that is what recovery feels like to me. like truth and love.
i thank odin, krishna, shanti, buddah and jesus for every second i moment of freedom i breathe in.

don’t give up.

all love,
carissa

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