teaching.

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running around, expending energy, gathering it

people that make my heart sing.

it so hard to say good bye.

the key is to feel

let it wash over

fall to your knees if you must.

cry, breathe, mourn

let go – open your eyes.

the sun is shining!

can’t you see?

girl, there in the back

head hung low. shrinking so small

so meek, so quiet.

can’t you see your beautiful?

lift your chest, gaze up

remember that you are stars.

everything is going to be ok

focus on your breath, roll your shoulders down, reach just a bit higher

you are perfect

i see you.

 

painful amounts of love,

carissa

new year!

tumblr_lixfxaogzp1qbnex9o1_500happy new year!!

ok so its mid-april. big whoop. it’s been busy and crazy. and amazing. and intense.

i’ve been riding around on a magical carpet of life, love and kombucha since we spoke last.

doing backflips and floating in a sea of cash while simultaneously feeding homeless children.

ok we’ll maybe it hasn’t been quite that dramatic. or even remotely as inspiring. but there has been progress… and that is what is important.

i’d like to thank a special lady for inspiring this post. i got to talk her through her dancers pose on a sunny rooftop in overlooking all of seattle today, read her blog after and felt compelled to come back home to return to my writing roots. so hi, hows it going?

i know this blog turned into a bit of an eating disorder tale as i used it as a means of journaling throughout treatment.

and as much as that was a part of where i was – it isn’t where i am or how i define myself now. i am more aware than i have been in a long time and realize that wherever i choose to put my focus is exactly what i will create. with that in mind: i am more healthy, strong,  and accepting of myself than ever before. ED is reminding me that i must point out that through this journey of recovery i have put on a good … 30 lbs…. since returning home, going to treatment and rediscovering my love for chocolate (and even pizza !!?!). does that mean i am at my healthiest? well much healthier than i was when all my hair was falling out. does that mean that i have healed my relationship with food, body or weight? nope. but it means that i am where i need to be and i am going to love the shit out of where ever i just so happen to be. this goes for whichever demon of a number that chooses to show itself on silver scale that determines my worth on the bathroom floor (sarcasm) or whether it be that silly number in my bank account that tells me just exactly how much i have been spending on yoga/pants/training and coffee. i am ok with all of it. and im not sure why.

i wanted to check in and say that – i love strong, funny women with a passion for pursuing life. i love late nights with myself, wine and ram dass movies. and that i graduate yoga teacher training tomorrow. im not exactly sure what that means. i am growing roots. getting to know myself. and learning to love myself and others a little more each day.

till the next time.

yours truly,

misscarissas

oh man.

so as i am re-tracing my (mis)steps of this last year, I am retraining myself to be a rocking and rolling, radical human.

it’s quite a transition to go from a caged up, pound puppy that is deathly scared of breakfast to the confident, fearless lion girl that lies inside. so I have been utilizing a lot of different sources for inspiration and methodology.

seriously guys, i have to retrain myself in every aspect of life. socially, spiritually, physically and emotionally. as i’m breaking free from the self-inflicted cage that mental illness is, i get to design a new identity. it’s scary, fantastic and thrilling. so far I have switched from listening to sad, depressing music to listening to techno and house. I have started surrounding myself with people that align with the person I want to become. I listen to self-help tapes like a maniac, found salvation in Neurolinguistic Programming and go around repeating positive affirmations like it ain’t no thing. Every time a disordered thought or action tries to sneak its way back into my reality (which happens often) I take a step back, recognize it and ask myself if this is something my perfect soul or damaged ego would think or do. Usually, if it is destructive, then it is the latter and I can begin to hug and smother is with love and light.

sometimes I am successful, sometimes I’m not.

the other day my brain seriously felt like it was burning. but i’m convinced it’s just from the rewiring of my neurological pathways from negative to positive. i’m sure smoke will be emitting from my ears pretty soon.

progress is being made though. i managed to get through the anxiety of getting ready, styling whats left of my hair and having a really lovely, mostly behavior and negative inner dialogue free evening with a really inspirational human.

oh! and the coolest technique I have discovered (and am rocking extremely hard right at this very moment) is to FAKE IT. Ok, that sounds weird since part of this journey has been rediscovering how to be myself and who “myself” even is. But seriously, when I get anxious or scared I just start pretending that I am the person I would want to be. The best characters I have discovered to slip into so far is the Air Force Pilot Woman (the aviators might be to blame for this one) and the Incredibly Fancy French Lady. I absolutely love this form of visualization because it’s impossible to not glow with confidence when I am these dream versions of myself. It’s also extremely fun to gaze out a window, with my baguette, cigarette and small hat. Just kidding I didn’t get a small hat or start smoking… yet.

It is also helping me get an idea of what the very best version of me looks and feels like.

I want to be that version of me today. And then an even better version tomorrow.

ciao mes amours.

 

p.s. note to self: if all else fails, just walk around with this always playing: