holy batman.

it’s been a long time since an update.
what beautiful, beautiful things blogs are.
they are like a one stop shop for tracking the progress of our own evolution. i wouldn’t have been able to recall the details of all those painful moments within the last year if it weren’t for being able to sit down in a single sitting and read them all over again.

this quote from a previous post hit home extremely hard:
“i want to be free. i want to have conversations with people and hear what they are saying. i want to do physical activity because it makes me feel good not because i think my body is a problem that needs solving. i want to get in touch with my emotions and stop shutting people out.”

i remember feeling like that girl. locked in a cage. looking for every way out (except the front door). i also remember the girl that posted on august 24th – with all of her hair on the bathroom floor and not a clue in the world as to what was happening and why.

something that lacks from a person suffering with addiction and anxiety (btw – eating disorders lie at the place where these two meet) is that they lose their ability for compassion and empathy. they become disconnected from the world and live only within the painful prison of their mind.

when i sit here today – one year later – i can feel more pain and compassion for my younger, sicker self than i could have ever felt at that moment in time. when i was really living in the painful hell of bulimia – i wouldn’t have been able to cry for someone else. there was me and ed. and that was it.

god has come into my life and set me free. i have absolute faith in that. too many miraculous moments of healing to count or explain. the fact that i am sitting here today, with the state of my current life is an absolute blessing. the fact that i CAN hear when people are talking. the fact that i do move because it feels good. i LOVE my new life and coming home to myself daily is what makes it all worth it. by coming home to myself it means remembering things i like: magenta, the forest, tea, brisk air, baking, FRIENDS, time alone, my puppy, jokes about raccoons. all of the beautiful things life has to offer.

the process of healing – which is still currently taking place and probably always will be – is one of many steps. steps even sound too linear to properly symbolize what recovery feels like.

recovery for me feels like … random moments in time of utter freedom.
– looking into the mirror naked and feeling curvy and womanly rather then disgusted by excess body fat.
– walking down the street with neo, breathing fresh air, looking at the leaves, feeling present and alive.
– skipping a work out to have wine and dinner with a friend
– having a autumn morning pumpkin spice latte – sans guilt.

these seem like small wins. they may even seem unhealthy. but for me they are utter breakthroughs that help me get closer and closer to the people in my life and to knowing the nature of my soul’s desires.

we all have the areas in our life where we are looking for constant external approval. we also have aspects of our character that we condemn or judge. but in reality every single molecule in your body is exactly the way it is supposed to be. everything you love or desire is meant for you.

the farther we can get from the concept of fixing ourselves – the more we lean into gratitude and acceptance and become who we truly are.

you can’t hear your hearts desires if there is too much noise.

peel back the onion.
let go of who you think you should be.
and be gentle and loving to yourself in the process.

that is what recovery feels like to me. like truth and love.
i thank odin, krishna, shanti, buddah and jesus for every second i moment of freedom i breathe in.

don’t give up.

all love,
carissa

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recover-ish.

hey guys.

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it’s been a while.

and a while it’s been.

not sure where we last left off. probably about a month and half ago and 10 lbs lighter ago?

not that the latter information is pertinent whatsoever. well, unless your name is Ed. then it is very pertinent.

(per·ti·nent ˈpərtn-ənt/ adjective 1. relevant or applicable to a particular matter; apposite.
  1. “she asked me a lot of very pertinent questions”)

so that would be the major shift that has taken place recently on my eating disorder recovery journey – acknowledging that I have one and then starting to distinguish between my healthy voice and my annoying, abusive roommate that lives in my head – Ed.

Ed is freaking nuts. Ed sold my car, flew me across the planet, locked me in a gym and continuously tries to convince me that my worth is determined by the size of my thighs. He is also the one that tells me I can’t function or think unless I do two hours of intense yoga, kickbox or run my ass off. He also finds it quite amusing to make the majority of my thoughts, feelings and habits focus around food – namely food I am not allowed to have. No wonder my self esteem has plummeted and I lost all drive, focus and creativity in my life – I’ve been in an extremely abusive relationship which has smashed my spirit and starved my soul.

Luckily, I have some amazing friends and therapists that have been trying their hardest to turn on the light in the dark room of my mind and point out all of the betrayal and lies the sick side of my mind has been feeding me. Turns out I do deserve to live a full life and that I do not need to be rail thin in order to be loved.

So details – Although I have yet to go a full week without exercising I have managed to reintroduce “scary foods” and because my metabolism was so run down with my body being in semi-starvation mode I was able to pack on the pounds quite quickly. This is good because it means I can get back in the gym soon! (pretty sure that was Ed speaking there). My dietician and therapist have been slowly picking apart my “religion of thinness” and bringing my twisted world-view into my awareness.

I felt the need to write today because now that I am at a “healthy weight” (although still dealing with amenorrhea and bradycardia), I still deal with a lot of anxiety at meal time, my thoughts are still consumed by food and exercise and I still feel like I am in a prison I can’t escape. Today I was working at the yoga studio – even though my dietician thinks its like a recovering alcoholic working in a bar (side note: i did apply for a job at a bakery, welcome to the black and white thinking of a bulimic) – and I was going to take the 9 am Hatha Flow class (probably punishment for last nights first glass of egg nog in years) but it was full so I decided to lock up the studio and go on a quick run around Petaluma while the class was in session. It’s been a long time since I’ve been on a run and now that my thighs are jiggling again, I am sure it won’t do much harm – regardless to the fact that the people in charge of restoring my weight strongly advise against any cardio whatsoever. Anywho, I decide it won’t hurt and it will help distract me from my compulsive thinking about muffins at above mentioned bakery – so I get on my headphones, rocking tunes and bright pink tennies and hit pavement. Awwwww. The familiar release of seratonin, the brisk cold Northern California winter wind upon my face, the beautiful blue heron on the town center lake and that beautiful, bright shiny sun beaming down. Finally, I feel free again. I try my best not to look at my chubby tummy in the town shop windows as I pass by feeling light and beautiful.

This is what recovery is, running.

It is also impromptu yoga sessions on walks at Lake Ralphine after delicious, energizing lunches:

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Unfortunately, as my body is getting healthier and stronger my desire to push it physically increases simultaneously.

I say unfortunately because after that brief moment of freedom – running with my music – my heart began to ache.

Literally. I felt its weak beat trying to keep up with my over zealous attempt to push it once again.

My disorientation returned, I felt scared lost and “ill”. 25 minutes. That was all it took to put myself back in that scary, familiar detached reality of a body struggling to keep up with a manic mind and restricted eating.

Recovery is a tricky, tricky path. My eating disorder continuously psyches me out. I am certain I look well and feel well enough to jump back on the pavement and begin to cut out carbs again – but obviously I am not there yet. I need to figure out how to find the feeling of lightness, freedom and peace without the destruction of my bodily temple.

Anyway. That was my day. I ate a tempeh sandwich and finally started feeling less “out of it”. But the battle continues.

Off to support group with the girls that can help me to keep my butt in the chair and chin up.

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awakening.

awakening to your true self is the most amazing revelation one can have.

finally things start to make sense.

it’s as if you can think, hear, smell and act more clearly.

we’ve all heard people say that “we all have a purpose.” “follow your dreams.” “you have unlimited potential.” but until we start loving ourselves we will only believe that only makes sense for “other people”. not for us because we don’t have anything special to offer to the world.

thankfully the inner spirit is a persistent one.

it is as persistent and loud as our own self sabotage and the insidious nature of resistance.

as we put up walls of resistance to achieving our highest potential, the universe begins knocking on those walls in the form of physical ailments, depression, anxiety ect.

and until we stop numbing ourselves with drugs, alcohol, eating disorders, compulsive behaviors of resistance – we will continue to reap the affects of ignoring our true nature in the form of unhappiness and illness.

the moment we are quiet enough to listen, the moment we don’t let resistance keep us from our true nature and path – we can begin to break down it’s power.

I got incredibly sick and incredibly sad because I ran from my calling.

i was on the path, i was getting close and i turned my back and flipped it off.

It left an insatiable hunger within me resulting in compulsive eating habits which resulted in self hatred, neglect and destruction. i got incredibly sick, incredibly fast because i had turned my back on destiny. i flew back from my dreams, out of fear and denied what was inside of me so the universe punished me. greatly.

i tried everything to hide from what i had done. i lied to myself. i said i was better off. i tried moving and running. filling and emptying. the feelings of emptiness remained.

i had neglected, sabotaged and ignored my true nature with all i had. i tried on tons of different hats and outfits to find another identity that suited me better. however you can’t put a badge on a duck and convince people it is a police officer. the act never worked.

once i finally gave in and went in the natural direction of my spirit there was a lot of repair to be done. i had to go out buy my soul some flowers, give it a big hug and have a long talk about how much i really do love it.

as my soul is beginning to heal with overwhelming amounts of self love, nourishment and wellness – it is getting stronger and brighter than ever before. look out world  🙂

i know i have a purpose. i know i am whole. i know i am limitless.

i refuse to keep running from and numbing that reality.

that knowledge is all i need to start back on my path to being all that i was meant to be.

as i begin to honor and love myself, i sit quietly enough to listen to what it wants to say or do. i am beginning to be able distinguish between actual hunger and soul hunger. i can literally hear what my body wants and what my soul needs.

as i love myself, honor and surrender to myself – intuition will continue to guide me on my path to realizing my full potential of greatness.

“Intuition is seeing with the soul.”
― Dean Koontz

resistance is lethal. it will take you out – if you let it.

OR you can embrace your feelings of fear, emptiness and self loathing and LEARN something from them.

“The enemy is a very good teacher”

― The Dalai Lama

thank you for the lesson, universe.

i’m back on my path now, feeling more whole than ever & wouldn’t change a thing.

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